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Ancient Riddles

How does the god of thunder measure the distance between two points?

How would a blue figure carrying a lantern review Doctor Who?

What does a spider say when stumbling across a streaming site in her browser?

What does a voodoo expert tell a child before giving them a shot?

What did the fiery skeleton say when his cross country team complained about the uphill terrain?

What was the result of the long-range shooter's bullet taking a deflection?

Why did the two-headed monster join the baseball team instead of the track team?

What would the treecutter admit privately, after Monty Python was done filming his song?

How does the dominatrix describe her opponent employing the Danvers opening?

What title did the scorpion award himself?

What does the mysterious, primordial entity say when using Hamiltonian mechanics to solve a homework problem?

How did the ent respond to hobbits who asked him for an ETA after he got stuck in traffic?

How was the invisible man's sword prepared?

How did the varlet knight justify spending most of his time debugging instead of jousting?

What did the fiery, tenebrous devil say when the latest Pokemon game was released?

What did the scaly anteater say when asked whether he really wanted to spin that stupid 10-square dial and have to sell the cattle ranch?

Why did the Roman woman think bartering wasn't worth her time?

How do hamsters run?

What did the tin man say when inspecting Big Ben to see whether it is still ticking?